How (not) to Run the London Marathon (Part Three)

Previously on How (not) to Run the London Marathon: Miles 4-16. Waving at the TV cameras, lapping up other people's crowd support, and weeing in a park.

And don't forget to go back to Part One, either, for miles 1-4 and especially if you want to understand how I started out like an oven-basting turkey...

I Didn't See it Coming

Mile 16 (The Isle of Dogs): So, having made it to the same point as my longest training run without bursting into tears yet, everything from here on out is a bonus. Looking around, there are now significant numbers of people walking, and every one of them I overtake whilst still keeping on running is a small personal victory. “HA!”, I think. “You started out too fast, lady! You, over there, you didn't do enough training! I've got much bigger calf muscles than you, red top dude. You're even more bald than me, man in expensive gear!”

This keeps me entertained for a bit, until, coming down Westferry Road, I start to hear Bon Jovi’s “Livin' on a Prayer” coming from somewhere. This is extremely motivating (even though it is Bon Jovi), because I've not had my music on at all until now, and as one with the other runners around me, I start yelling along with it – and then suddenly we turn round a small bend and realise that it's not a recording, it's a full gospel choir singing from a balcony up above the street. Another lifetime memory moment, I start running sideways to enjoy as much of it as I can (or as much as I can without knackering any parts of my body that don't need any further excuse to stop working, anyway…)

As the heavenly sounds fade away into the distance, my spirits start to sink again and I try anything I can to distract my mind from the various bits of me which are now becoming increasingly uncomfortable – but it's then that I spot someone in a green Macmillan shirt who looks sort of familiar from a Twitter photo - yep it's @mr_egregious, a best mate of a best mate, who I've been chatting with online about the training. He's having a bit of a hard time right now, so I slow right down, call out to him and we have a good old laugh about just how insane this whole thing is, which goes some way toward taking both our minds off things for just a tiny fraction of this ordeal.He's feeling done in and wants to walk, though, and I feel just about human and want to carry on, so off I go, and he becomes just the latest in a long line of people that I feel superior for overtaking. (Don't worry - he catches me up pretty well later on and I promise I don't think anything mean about him as I go. Honest.)

I'm quite impressed I managed to recognise him from this, actually...

This probably helped.

I'm at 16 and a half miles now, close to where Karin has texted me to say she is waiting, and never have I needed to see anyone as badly as I need to see her right now. Every step seems to take 20 seconds, as I clump heavily onwards, feet pounding the pavement like I hate it for doing this to me – my running gait now looking more like a reverse moonwalk – it's no accident that most of the official photos from the second half of the race make it look like I'm not lifting my feet off the ground at all...

But then, there she is by the side of the road, and I'm overcome with emotion and exhilaration and just run over to give her a big kiss and a cuddle, which I'm sure is extremely hygienically pleasant for her. "I love you so much", I say, prompting a chorus of  "awwww"s from the people all around. I don't explain to anyone at this stage that I feel I should say this just in case we never see each other again.

It's another wonderful moment, and it propels me to somehow keep going for another mile or so, despite the fact that my legs are now basically numb and quite possibly about to fall off - and then, there I am coming up Limeharbour, at 17 and a half miles, 3 hours and 21 minutes after I started, and I suddenly realise that I'm in trouble. I'm hit by the realisation of the fact that I've really always known, that I can't pull another 9 miles out of the running bag based on adrenalin and willpower alone. There is no sense in pushing it so far that I have to be picked up by the “fail bus” that comes around to collect stragglers every so often – and everything about me really could do with a break.

I stop and walk.

It'd be easy to consider this a massive failure, and to beat myself up about it, but I've already done more than I thought I might be able to do a couple of weeks ago, WAY more than I ever thought I'd do when I was at my fattest and laziest a few years back, and 9 times as far as to my school friend Rob's house for cake. It means there will be unfinished business to take care of at some point in the future (I'm not going 6 feet under without being able to say I ran a full marathon), but for now, this is all about damage limitation. There are still 9 miles to go, and it's not an option to give up on doing this on foot.

Besides which, I've forgotten my Oyster Card.

It's alright, Joanne and Derek are walking, too.

Walking in My Shoes

Walking feels very odd - my legs are stuck in a weird pointy-outy position and don't want to go inwards at all, making me feel a bit like a dog with its parts on display. The soles of my feet feel like I've been standing on them for days after attacking them with a cheese grater, my toenails appear to have been steam rollered into the tops of my toes, and the only consolation is that I don't seem to need any of the Vaseline that's being liberally offered by St John's Ambulance guys at the side of the road.

I decide to stop completely on Marsh Wall and have a stretch of my hamstrings, calves, basically anything which feels good. It's lovely, but it's not getting me any closer to that finishing line, so I have to push off again. We’re 3 hours and 30 minutes into this, and if I go at my “worst-case” walking pace of 16-minutes-a-mile, there'll be another 2 and a half hours to go. This thought somehow propels me to get running again.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHWWWWW” – There it is, that familiar stabbing pain just below my right knee which signals that my Illotibial band is incredibly displeased with me. Previous occurrences of this have either come at the end of a long run and left me limping to a bus or train, or have stopped me dead in my tracks mid-run. Neither of these are an option today, so I push on through it. The first 20 seconds or so are absolute agony and I worry that the ITB might snap, but it's a resilient old piece of connective tissue, and it gradually gets used to the idea that I'm a complete masochist and shuts up complaining long enough for me to build up some momentum and forget about it. If only I'd thought before now of running through the pain until it went numb.

Now we're coming up to Canary Wharf and the 19 mile mark, and I do some alternate run/walking, whatever feels comfortable – I even stop to pick up some Lucozade Sport, which as the magazine promised, does indeed taste very different during the race. It tastes warm and syrupy and utterly disgusting. Thanks, Lucozade.

Notice how the spectators are just standing there, staring. That's because we're all walking and don't deserve their support. Fair enough.

I need whatever I can get in the way of inspiration at this stage, so it's finally time for the music to go on. Banging tracks from Muse, Saint Etienne, New Order, Porcupine Tree and, er, Phil Collins match the thundering pace of my heart beat, which by now doesn't drop below 140 even when I'm walking. But somehow what really does it for me on this occasion, as I go round in little "C"s between the skyscrapers, is “Hellstate”, an old 80's instrumental demo track from a long defunct band called Freefall which contained some of my mates. The slow intro and gradual build-up of the track act like a spring coiling up as I plod slowly along, and as a massive drum fill announces the fast, loud, keyboard-y section, I literally spring off again, exhilaration in my heart which lasts all of 13 minutes, but still, it gets me to the next mile marker. 20 miles. This seems like a massive milestone, and therefore a good time to take another breather. (Actually, to be honest, all the time seems like a good time to take a massive breather right now.)

I've been going for getting on for 4 hours now and I can feel that I'm done – in fact I'm way beyond done; if I was a halibut on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay would have slammed his fist into me and thrown me in the bin by now. But there are still 6 and a bit miles to go, and I have to get there somehow, anyhow, so I start clutching at mental straws – something, anything to distract me from the pain in my legs, the burning in my lungs, and the pounding in my head. I start by looking out for landmarks and trying to come up with personal connections to them – oh, there's that Whisky bar where I got hammered with a client a couple of years ago. There's the wine bar where me and my flatmate John used to dress up in suits like pretentious wankers and go and sit drinking overpriced beer after lectures at uni. (GET IN THE SEA.) Actually, a lot of these memories seem to revolve around alcohol for some reason, which isn't very helpful really, since my stomach is just awash with water, energy gel, Lucozade Sport, Jelly Babies and Mini Mars Bars, and the thought of more sugar and liquid makes me want to vomit even more than I already do.

Noooo! No more!!!

My kingdom for a bacon sandwich… my imaginary kingdom, that is… I don't have a kingdom…What would my kingdom be like? I bet I'd be a rubbish King, I'd never make any decisions... I suppose you don't have to, if you're King, you can get someone else to do it for you while you sit eating roast swan... I probably don't even like roast swan… Swans are odd, aren't they? Very long necks. I wonder why they have such long necks… Probably to get to the bottom of ponds. Ugh, I bet it's manky at the bottom of the Serpentine. 

See, another 1/10th of a mile gone, right there.


I Don't Feel Amazing Now

I spot some Parkinson's UK supporters and try them out for a bit of sympathy - “I know I'm not one of yours but can I get a cheer anyway?” They give me a little cheer (C'mon, we're all on the same side, this is not the general election!) - and this helps a bit. Even better, there's a lady further on handing out bananas, and I immediately fall in love with her despite the fact that she appears to be in her 70's. We're in Poplar now and here's the 21 miles marker – 5 and a bit to go – that's less than a 10k race, right? I can eat those for breakfast!

The route is now dull as heck, though, and any running I do is getting extremely difficult, if you can call it running at all, and not old-lady-power-walking which is what it looks like. We go through a residential estate and there's quite a nice vibe, with people outside their houses having barbecues and playing music and all that jazz. “Keep going! You’re such an inspiration!”, shouts a lady sitting in a deck chair puffing on a cigarette with a can of Stella in the other hand.

I'm just trying to get going again when I spot a man lying at the side of the road looking extremely pale, apparently unconscious, on a drip and being tended to by the St John's ambulance – luckily he's the only one I see in such a bad state, but it later turns out that someone does sadly die after crossing the finish line, and I'm reminded again just what an endurance feat this is, how you absolutely need to train properly and how it isn't just about the running. The other exercises, the cross training, the practice races, the drink and energy gel practice, the food – everything they've been telling you to do and I've been mocking for page upon page, is to help you get through this. I'm scraping through it, but I'm not as well prepared as I want to be, and I just thank goodness that I have the good sense to know my limits, and know when I'm beaten.

From here on in, everything starts to become a gigantic blur. I can only think about the fact that there's still 5 and a bit miles to somehow cover and there's mostly just one long straight road all the way to Westminster now. Hazy thoughts of that lonely run in the French forest start cropping up to panic the shit out of me, the crowd is starting to thin out a little (although they make up for it in enthusiasm) and I really don't know where my family is.

In dire straits now, it's time to break open the emergency box and resort to the worst advice I've been given, the most shameful advice that I can possibly admit to having considered. Yes, in the week before the race, a colleague at work is chatting to me about the run, and he tells me he's heard this great tip from an elderly man who's still running marathons in his 80's:

“He said: I find someone in front of me with a really cracking arse, and focus on that!”, says my colleague, with a cheeky glint in his eye.

Except that he put it a little less pervily, and he was joking... and my colleague definitely wasn't...

Weighing up my responsibilities as someone's life partner, someone's uncle, various people's boss and a feminist and honorary Scandinavian, against my desire to get to the end of this without jacking it all in, I decide there's nothing for it but to give this a try. It feels wrong, it feels dirty, but I'm ashamed to say it kind of works. At least I try staring at some men's arses as well to make it feel less wrong – never let it be said that I am not an equal opportunities perv.

Luckily, I'm awoken pretty quickly from my arse-reverie by someone nearby:

"Can anyone help me open my gel please?"

I look round and there's the same lady again from mile 8 - we have a good chuckle about this but nobody's really in the mood for talking  - we're getting into the City and along with most of the people around me, I'm walking more than I'm running now. A few steps run when I feel able, and then a torturous, painful walk that I would definitely curtail with a sit down and a pint, were this a nice country stroll. I take every cheer I can get from the crowd and try to use it to run a few more steps - some people on a balcony shout “Come On Jamesy!” and I wave at them with my hat but it's all I can manage. If only I could run on my arms, they seem pretty strong now.


Don't Stop Me Now (cause I'm having SUCH a good time...)

I'm really in deep despair now and text my sister Rachel to ask where they all are, with the answer coming back “Mile 23!”, which now becomes my main goal, I have to make it there and pronto. I contemplate starting a to and fro conversation to pass the time, in fact to be honest I could basically walk along playing Angry Birds at this stage but I figure I'd get a bit less crowd sympathy and encouragement as well as falling into the Thames, so the phone stays in my pocket, where due to some absent-minded fiddling, I manage to take this lovely series of snaps of the lining of my shorts.

Like this...

And this... well you get the idea.

It's a good job I decide to focus on the way ahead because there, all of a sudden, like a blue and white beacon by the side of the dark, dark road, are the Cure Parkinson's Trust cheer squad. I was sure I'd missed them, and I greet them like long lost friends, greedily chugging down their jelly babies and attempting to stop for a chat, but they're having none of it… “Go on, keep going!” says Anna, which isn't really what I want to hear, but it does prompt me to give running another go, to cheers from my temporary fanclub. At least they manage to take this, the only non-official (read: non-expensive) photo I know of, of me running this blooming thing.

Then there's mile 23 and there are all my family, getting sweaty hugs and high fives - “THIS IS VERY HARD…” I start bellowing, and again I try to stop and chat as much as possible, but they don't want to be responsible for a bad time (HA!) and shoo me off on my way, where I run off for about 13 steps until I get lost in the crowd and then start walking again - to be honest, the running metres are now slower than the walking metres, so the only reason to even pretend to run is to stop people thinking I'm just being lazy and shouting at me ..

"Come on mate! Nearly there! Come on, RUN!"

"F**K THE F**K OFF", I don't shout.

“Come on Jamesy, you can do it!”, shouts a lady from a bridge up above the road near Cannon Street. Now this is more like it. Adrenalin suddenly surges through my veins and I forget for just one second that everything south of my navel is in agony. “YES, YES I CAN!”, I yell, and push off again to cheers from her and her friends – another highlight of the whole day. For them, I mean, obviously.

I look like I'm having a whale of a time.

We're close now, but not close enough; we'll never be close enough until I've got that medal round my neck, and even with just 2 and a bit miles to go, my brain is tying itself up in knots between self-preservation and determination to finish this. Going under the Blackfriars underpass, there's blaring music from the day's hit parade  (e.g. “Don't Stop Me Now”) and motivational messages adorn the walls (“Pain is temporary, Pride is forever”). In my emotional state, I don't even make a pretend “vomit” sign - in fact it moves me nearly to the point of tears, as I well up, thinking about everything I've put in to get to this point, how much everything hurts, and why I'm doing this, what can be achieved for Parkinson's sufferers with the nearly £1500 I've managed to collect.

But I can't fully let myself go yet, I'm not there. Somehow I make it to the mile 25 marker and I'm able to tell myself that even at my slowest run/walk pace, this only means 15 minutes to go – what's 15 minutes when you've been going for over 5 hours? This somehow prompts me to “run” again (what passes for running at this stage, anyway), and I stop/start down the Embankment, around the corner by the Houses of Parliament and up onto Birdcage Walk. (Skilfully, I manage to buy only the photos from the “start” phases.)

YES! Look at me, still running so close to the end when all around me are walking!
(There's one from about 5 seconds after this where I am clearly just out for a stroll...)

Eventually I see a sign that tells me there's only 800m to go, but this suddenly seems like the hardest thing in the world. 800 metres - that's literally miles! I can't do that... I don't have anything left in the tank at all. "I'd rather not know!" I say to someone next to me, who completely agrees. But now it's even more important than ever to run. Giving up, with this pathetic little distance left? What kind of failure would that make me? In fact, no, I'm going to do this as fast as I can, I want to get over that line, to find my family, to collapse in a heap and burst into tears.

Suddenly I spot a guy with red hair, wearing a yellow Salvation Army t-shirt. I used to know a guy with red hair who was in the Salvation Army, but it's obviously not him… oh, it is him. “Stan?” “Bloody hell, James?” We've not seen each other since school, and now here we are running the last 400m of the London Marathon together. We manage to pass the 200m mark together, chatting as much as is physically possible whilst our lungs are in danger of collapse - "First marathon?”, I ask. “Yeah and last!". But he's beaten. “Seriously, go on without me.”

So I do. There are 200 metres left. Is this the hardest part? No, it can't be really, but it's up there. There's no longer any option to stop and walk – I cannot, I WILL not – that familiar sound of a moose trapped in heavy machinery is coming out of my lungs again but I'm not going to be beaten.

“WOOOOAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH….. MUST…. HHUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR…. DO….YEEEEEEEUUUUUUGH… THIS!”

Finally, I can see the photographers by the finish line and I raise my arms in a majestic victory pose, which comes out quite nicely apart from the weird angel thing on top of Buckingham Palace giving me a Statue of Liberty-esque crown. And there I am, I cross the line running faster than I've run all day, with the sound of polite applause from about 5 people ringing in my ears, I come to a stop, my medal gets put round my neck, and I stagger away towards the luggage truck, waiting for the emotions to hit me, the tears to come flooding out as I reach the culmination of the last 10 months…

“Ooh, an apple! Thanks…”

Well, at least I've got a nice one of Dan and Clare.

Afterlife

I've just got my goody bag and there's an apple in there, which tastes like the food of the gods - there's some water, there's more Lucozade Sport (ok NOW I will have that, thanks), and some London Pride, too (really? WARM BEER?). But that apple, seriously.

Nope, the expected tears and emotional release never come, they're overtaken by overwhelming pride and smugness which is probably intolerable for the rest of the week, but I don't care, I've earned this.

(Actually, I feel less smug and less like I earned this, having read various blogs/tweets/comments in the last week where people opine that if you didn't run all the way you didn't really do it, you're not really a runner, and you should have left the place for someone who could run all the way. Well, to that I say, you may have a tiny fraction of a point, but seriously, up yours. I used my own ballot place to raise £1,500 for the CPT, thereby making sure someone else could have a golden ballot place and raise even more money. And if you're bitter because you didn't get into the ballot and really wanted to run, then get off your sodding arse, find a charity and raise some money - there are always charities looking for people right up to the month before. If you really want to run this, you can. Just might need to think about someone other than yourself, that's all.)

I look surprisingly alright, here... It didn't last long.

I later find out that I've come 29769th out of 36000, with an official time of 5:27:11, and an actual distance run (according to Endomondo) of 27.3 miles (although some of those were just into a bush). Considering I thought I'd have to pull out a couple of weeks ago, I'll take it.

Well, I started quite nicely. Gradually slowed down, and then just started having fits, or something...

My family come to find me, led by Karin, who's the first to run up and give me a big hug after I come out of the champions' pen where I've picked up my bags and had as much of a stretch as I can without making noises that cause me to get arrested. Everyone says I look absolutely fine and chirpy, something that's not really backed up by any photos, in which I’m so pale, I appear to have departed my body and run the end of the race as a spirit, floating free on the breeze...

My niece looks very chirpy though, for someone wearing that medal...

The chirpiness lasts as long as it takes me and all my supporters to find somewhere to eat, which isn't that easy on a Sunday in Central London at the best of times, but we eventually end up in Pizza Express by Waterloo, where I somehow manage to arrive by combination of walking and tube (how???)

There's quite a wait for a table because for some reason the place is full of marathon people. Everyone I spot wearing a medal gets a little knowing glance and a raised eyebrow by way of a “Well done” - usually resulting in a conversation that involves our times somewhere along the way. I don't instigate this because I'm not exactly overjoyed with mine - but the conversations go one way or the other, depending on whether I beat them or not.

1) "Yeah, I just missed the three hour mark, I was SO gutted. What did you do?" Oh, a bit better than I feared - I just don't think times are that important really, are they?

2) "I'm really happy, I did it in 5:40! How about you?" Yeah, I did it in 5:27, you know, it was a bit worse than I wanted to but, it's the charity that counts... where are you going...?

We eventually sit down at the table and it's at this point that I realise just how godawful I feel. I'm thirsty as hell, and oh god, actually I feel really sick. The smell of food is making me want to retch, so I just look at the floor and try to stop the room spinning, occasionally getting up every so often to hobble to the toilet in my bare socks and wee out a thimble full of brown sludge the colour of the Bakerloo line. After a while I do feel like I can eat, so I order far too much food and wolf it down - after which I immediately fall asleep with my head on the table. "Can we please get a taxi back to Surbiton?", I keep saying. It's before anyone in my party has heard of Uber, so no, we can't, there's more public transport and thousands of steps to contend with- still, at least there's an opportunity to get some more "Well done, mate!"s as we make our way back out of London with lots of other wounded soldiers being propped up by their partners and parents.

And then we're home - and I finally manage to charge my phone back up and get bragging on social media, which I will bet you a million pounds happens before I get in the shower or take any Ibuprofen. And then bed, oh sweet lovely bed.

Annoyingly enough, like last night, it takes a long time to get to sleep, The pain is indeed secondary, but it's secondary to the thousand things going round and round in my head. It's been one heck of a day, one heck of a year, actually - and I'll have to do it all again properly at some point, but for a first attempt, I suppose I did okay?

The end result of the last 10 months of training.
Yes, this story was from the 2014 London Marathon - I didn't mention that before because I didn't really think it was that important, it's basically the same every year, innit? It took me a year before I could really bear to start thinking about it again...

A massive "Thank You" to everyone who stuck with me through this epic battle of words, all the way to the end - without your nice comments, likes, retweets and all that jazz, it probably would have been just as hard as all the running, but without any of the fun.

Big thanks to Karin, Helen, Rachel and my parents too, for putting up with me immortalising them in probably-not-100%-accurate quotes, and also for me typing away for hours on end and ignoring them when they were trying to talk to me.

Big shout out also to the @ukrunchat posse, who gave me all kinds of advice along the way but now don't remember who I am because I abandoned them all when I got injured and then changed my Twitter name a couple of months ago (that was a good plan, wasn't it?)

Massive gratitude also to everyone who came and cheered me on the day - all my extended family and the lovely people from the Cure Parkinson's Trust (what do you mean they weren't there just for me?)

And lastly, MASSIVE thanks to everyone that sponsored me for the Marathon. Donations are closed now, but if you've been affected by any of the issues raised along the way (stripping in public, weeing in bushes, crying in forests, eating too many cakes), then please consider sponsoring my friend Lana who did this year's London Marathon two weeks after this year's Brighton Marathon, and is now doing the London to Brighton 100k run like a complete fruitcake, all in aid of the CPT. Good luck, Lana!

And last, but not least - this is SO true...

Picture: @runningstories on Twitter

How (not) to Train for a Marathon (Part Seven)

Previously on How (not) to Train for a Marathon: We went to some very, very dark places on the longest training run I have ever done, enjoyed some French Cul-De-Sacs, and got high-fived by Henry VIII.


Things Fall Apart

It's the end of the first week of March, and there are just 5 weeks to go until the big day. It's at this point that things start to go off track - I've largely done what I needed to up to this point, but then everything starts coming at once - injury, illness, travel, like I'm delving into life's bag of Revels and pulling out all the coffee ones. It's a catalogue of disasters seemingly designed from stopping me getting to that finish line, and it's during these dark weeks that I decide that if I do make it through, I'm going to share my stories so that anyone else in the same situation can be reassured at just how miserable things can get without it stopping you making it through the big day. (Oops, spoiler!)

This is amazing - a guy at the hilarious Epicurean's Answer blog actually did research on the breakdown of the Revels across several bags, and it turns out coffee is the least frequent, we just perceive that there's more of them if we don't like them.
How very like life.

9th March (The Surrey Half Marathon)

What I am supposed to do:  18 miles
What I actually do: 1.83 miles jog, 13.44 miles run and a whole load of walking about
How Does it go?

I really shouldn't be here. I've already done one Half Marathon race, and today is supposed to be 18 mile training day. But I've paid for this, and I'm looking forward to it, so I'm going to make it work, dammit.

The race starts in Guildford, so I get off the train there and decide to be the smug one who jogs past everyone on the way to the start line just to get some more miles in. After last week's despair, it feels goood, but it doesn't quite make up for the fact that the race I'm doing today isn't really what I'm supposed to be doing.

Still, it's a lovely run on a sunny spring day, the roads are shut between Guildford and Woking so we can run there and back again through the countryside and not get run over, and there's a dodgy Oasis covers band playing outside in Woking when we get there, which is reward enough for anyone. There are a couple of fairly challenging hills that I manage to power through after my experience in France last week, and as I finish back in Guildford with a half-lap of the running track at the Athletics Stadium, I start to feel much more confident again. It's the last time for a very long time.

Finish line selfies are always popular, right?

Final stats: 13.44 miles in 2:18:44


15th March


What I am Supposed to do: 20 miles
What I actually do: 12 miles

How does it go?

I can't be bothered to make up a completely new route this time, so I amalgamate some others by deciding to get the train all the way from Surbiton in London's Zone 6 to Vauxhall in Zone 1, and run all the way home along the river. It's 20 miles - I tell people on Facebook that I'm going to do it, and I don't think they believe me, but that's probably because I don't believe it either. I've felt the pain of 16, and since then I've not gone any further than that, so what makes me think I can do this?

More Thames-porn.

I turn out to be right - as it happens, everything starts ok apart from nearly getting lost through Battersea Park, but the pace is ridiculously slow (12-13 minutes per mile), and I can feel that my body is completely spent and nowhere near recovered enough for this.

A brief diversion occurs in Mortlake, where I find the Thames Path completely flooded and have to double back on myself through the streets, but it's not enough to take my mind off the undeniable muscle pain, and from Mile 11 onwards every step becomes a struggle. When my knee starts twinging again at the 12 mile marker, I decide there's just no sense in pushing this, and stop by Kew Gardens, go and find a bus home, and eat a recovery breakfast once again cooked by the lovely Karin.

Sometimes, you just have to listen to your body.

22nd March

What I am supposed to do: 22 miles
What I actually do: Nothing

How does it go?

It really doesn't... the day after the aborted 20 miler, I'm off to Athens for a week's meeting with my new job. I drink too much ouzo and Mythos, and hang out with a couple of people with heavy colds.

On Wednesday the 18th, I wake up with a sore throat and a serious cough, and it looks like running might be off for the entire week. Sunday is supposed to be my longest run, and I completely miss it, which doesn't improve my mood. Things are starting to look a bit dodgy for the big day, as from here on out the training plan is all about "tapering" (easing up and starting to conserve energy stores for the main event). I'm meant to be slowing up, but not stopping completely. And I'm not even meant to be slowing up until I've done a proper, PROPER long run. (16 miles is clearly nothing...)

I eventually go to the doctor on March 25th and he tells me to rest a bit more, as for some reason he doesn't think me running 20 miles will actually improve my cough. I ask for a second opinion on Twitter and the consensus is that my doctor isn't an idiot, so I continue to rest, twiddling my thumbs and ruminating over and over again as to whether I will actually manage to do this, or have to pull out.

I obsessively Google "running injuries", "run marathon after 16 miles training", and "am I totally screwed?", reading everything I can find to see whether I'm going to be able to do this, or end up face down in a dock somewhere near Canary Wharf.

Still, at least Athens was pretty, eh?

On Saturday the 29th of March, I say bollocks to sitting worrying on the sofa, and decide to do something about this. If I lose all my running fitness, what's going to happen? I'll have to walk the whole distance, won't I? So I put on my walking shoes, and off I go on my normal 10k route, trying to walk it as fast as I comfortably can, just to see what my pace would be like. I average 16 minutes a mile, calculate that it would take nearly 7 hours to do the Marathon at this speed, decide I'd accept that, and move on with my life.


30th March

What I am Supposed to do: 13 miles
What I actually do: 11 miles (of which, 9 are running)

How Does it go?

Spurred on by being able to walk, I decide to give running a go -it's my first for over 2 weeks and it turns out to be the last one I do before the Marathon.

I manage 6 miles before having to stop and walk for a bit, then I do intervals of 2 miles run / 1 mile walk to see how that goes as a possible strategy for the main event. The running miles feel ok, until the very last one - when a familiar twinge in my knee signals that today's training is over.

With two weeks to go, I decide that it might be time to seek professional advice but before that, I turn to my trusty Twitter buddies who tell me to buy a foam roller and roll out those Illotibial bands. I go to Sports Direct and get one, bring it home on the bus to some odd looks, and start using it on the floor in the living room - into which Karin appears fairly shortly to ask me why I am torturing warthogs. Yes, it's a painful old thing which results in me groaning and grunting in a most unbecoming way, but it really does help, so I carry on with it anyway.

At least I: a) Keep my shirt on and b) don't look like Simon Cowell.

Physio Killed the Radio Star

On April the 2nd, I finally go and see the Physio at my gym, to explain my dodgy knee symptoms.

"Ok, so when did you first feel this, was it when you were running at the weekend?", she says.

"Um, no, it was about 6 weeks ago.", I admit, sheepishly.

"Wow, ok, so have you been resting since then?" 

"Noooot exactly, no...."

She gives me a deep tissue massage, which is probably the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced, as part of it involves pinching the offending tendons between her thumb and forefinger, running down the length of them to try and work out the knots (or something - I don't know what she's doing really, she could be trying to see how much it takes me to start crying, for all I know...)

"Everything is very tight - you should really have come in weeks ago!" - Yeah, no kidding. "Oh well, we'll get you to start doing these exercises and then you should be ok to carry on running again in a few weeks' time."

When I explain that I'm doing the London Marathon in 11 days' time, she first looks confused, then amused, and then realises that I'm serious about this, and puts on a brave face and starts trying to help me. I get exercises to do, she tells me my glutes are pathetic so I need to squeeze my butt cheeks together with every step as I run, and she tells me to keep on with the foam roller, but not to do any more running until the actual race.

That's right, none at all. Her logic is that at this point, I can't gain any more fitness, as that time is past, and all we can do now is damage limitation. It's incredibly unlikely that I'll be able to run the entire way, we both agree, so I tell her about my plan to run a certain number of miles, walk a certain number of miles and she agrees that it's probably the best result we can hope for. She also suggests that I take pain killers with me and take them every few hours in the hope of keeping the inflammation down.

"Good luck!", she says, sounding like I might be the client of hers that's needed it the most.


5th April

What I am Supposed to do: 8 miles
What I actually do: Help my sister move house

How is it?

It's quite a good day, actually - thanks for asking. I don't do any running, but I do drive across London to Deptford / Greenwich, and find cones out all over the place, signs up warning people of delays, and pubs advertising "Marathon Breakfast".

Shit just got real.

Mmmmm....

Eeeeek!

Ewwwww....

The Final Countdown...

In the last week, you're supposed to do as little as possible, rest as much as possible, and eat as many carbs as possible. I manage the last one, but 1 and 2 are a bit buggered by virtue of having to travel to Roskilde in Denmark with a very excitable colleague, who insists that we try and do something every evening, is obsessed with walking everywhere instead of getting cabs, and is somehow charming enough with her annoying persuasion that I go along with it. Even when she insists on calling me "Henry" for reasons too complicated to go into.

Hence, there's not much rest, but it's ok, the short walks we take get the muscles going again, and I've brought all my gear with me - the running shoes and clothes, the foam roller and my exercise mat, and I spend any free time I do have doing my exercises from the physio and trying not to panic about what's now less than a week away.

There's even genuinely healthy food to help me stock up my body, and I'm able to use the excuse of running a marathon at the weekend to avoid putting my feet in one of those fish-nibbly tanks that my colleague is desperate for me to try.

"Oh Henry, you're so boooooring!"  - ah, but you know, Marathon comes first! "Huh, alright then...". Win.

Unfortunately, I neglect to tell British Airways that Marathon comes first, and after bumping us off our return flight from Copenhagen in exchange for a 200 Euro gift voucher which actually doesn't materialise, we then end up two flights later in the evening, and without our suitcases.

Suitcases. Which contain literally everything I need for the marathon - shoes, clothes, foam roller, headphones, the lot. It's 11pm on Friday night, in the morning I need to go to the Marathon Expo to register, and in less than 24 hours' time I need to be tucked up in bed with all my gear laid out ready for me to grab and go.

See, even the last Revel in the bag usually turns out to be coffee.


Next time: It's the day before the big day (the small day?)

How (not) to Train for a Marathon (Part Three)

Previously on "How (not) to train for a Marathon": Horror-inducing gubbins about training plans


Ow-oo-ow-oo-ow-oo-ow... unbelievable! (Pain)

Plantar Fasciitis. Acute Tibial Stress. Peroneal Tendonitis. Illotibial Band Syndrome.

No, these aren't Finnish death metal bands, they're injuries which you can look forward to sustaining when trying to train for a long race without enough care and attention to your physical well-being.

I managed to get all of these at various points, for a variety of reasons:

a) I pushed it too far in training, desperate to beat some arbitrary milestone or time that only I cared about. "Why don't you stop timing your runs and just go out and enjoy them?", said my sister Helen at one point. "You don't know me at all, do you?", I said to my sister Helen.

b) Having injured myself, I didn't do anything about it and, much like The Beautiful South, carried on regardless.

c) Having endured the first injury for so long that it could no longer be ignored, I eventually had to seek some professional advice which was not from Wikihow or "WebPhysio4UInnit.com". At this point, I then had to completely stop training for much longer than I would have done otherwise - after which I then felt I had to catch up, when I finally could run again, meaning that I then injured something else.

d) I'm just a bit of a plonker, in general.

Here, have some peroneal tendonitis.
No, that isn't related to the part of the anatomy that you think it is...

So, what did I learn along the way? Well, I learned that you really, really need to start looking into muscle and tendon niggles as soon as they crop up, otherwise they are inevitably going to turn into a real issue before too long.

I say I learned that, but I actually knew that before I started training, and I ignored it because it's too expensive / too much hassle to go to physio sessions, and doing the exercises they give you is hard, boring work. So I will probably do it again, and so will you, even though you're reading this. Don't pretend you won't. Just don't say I didn't tell you when you are completely unable to run for 6 months and counting, like I am right now...

How can you avoid getting injured in the first place? Well, how about you have a little read of this article which tells you all you need to know (apologies to my Guardian-hating friends but I don't *think* this is likely to cause any major political debate...) I particularly enjoy how I managed to suffer from all their top 3 issues, and ignore 90% of their advice. Why are you listening to anything I have to say, again?

Oh, and don't forget that your toenails will probably go black and fall off eventually, too. You're welcome!


It's all for Charidee, mate!

Raising money for charity is one of the main reasons people do these insane challenges, and actually even if you don't have to because you've got in through a ballot, it's almost rude not to try to raise a few quid anyway. I did - if nothing else, it provides an extra bit of motivation to get out there training when the weather is like Reykavik on a bad day and your normal route through the local park turns into a Tough Mudder.

If you do have to... good luck.  I have a friend who had to put in nearly a grand of his own money when he didn't manage to get enough donations for his London Marathon run. Not that I want to put you off or anything.

My main tip is to sign up to support a charity that really means something to you. I'm sure those Mongolian Yaks appreciate your help, but is the vision of those furry wet noses and pleading big brown eyes going to spur you on to start running again at mile 24 in the same way as the memory of your Grandad's illness, or a family friend you lost to cancer, or the thought of those kids at your local special needs school?

"What's that? You're running 26 miles to help me?
I'm actually fine, you know - look at all this grass. Go and have a sit down instead. Pillock."

I'd also suggest you don't put too much pressure on yourself - there's a lady at my work who's doing this year's Brighton Marathon, and as well as all the training, she's also organising coffee mornings and disco nights to bump up her totals. Now, I take my non-existent hat off to her, but I put myself under enough stress just holding down a job and maintaining some kind of personal relationships with select important people, whilst trying to complete even 70% of the training programme - there's no sodding way I'd be trying to organise bake sales and the like at the same time. Plus, if anything was getting baked while I was in training mode, it was not leaving the house uneaten, let's put it that way.

Of course if you don't do this, you are pretty much reduced to just asking people for money. Facebook is great for this, Twitter less so: I always liken Twitter to standing in a corner of Grand Central Station and trying to impart some important information to the entire population of New York in your normal speaking voice. So, Facebook it is, then - and there are varying schools of thought on how best to do this.

My preferred approach is to put up increasingly desperate statuses with links to my sponsorship page. Starting with "Hey, I'm doing this race and raising money for this awesome cause, fancy sponsoring me?", moving through "Got a way to go now and I really need some motivation, please give generously if you can", all the way to "Here's a horrid photo of me in a lurid running singlet, please for the love of God can you just give me £5 to make it go away?"

I've made this as small as possible for minimum ocular impact.

I've found that some people will sponsor you immediately, some just need reminding 13 times (I am one of these, personally), some apparently don't think it's aimed at them if you don't specifically name them in it (I actually heard this from someone.) And some will, presumably just to annoy you, like your post asking for sponsorship and then not actually sponsor you.

I actually had a minor disagreement with my sister Helen about how to ask for sponsorship on Facebook, she was of the opinion that I should send people private messages specifically asking for sponsorship, and I was of the opinion that this would be blooming annoying. She was probably right though - the direct approach seems to work for supervillains...

The best thing I can say about running for charity, though, is the wonderful community of people you can meet as a result. Unfortunately if your charity isn't that big, you may not always get the pre-and post-race meet and greet, but when it happens it's great and gives you a wonderful buzz.

Big shout out to the lovely folks at the Cure Parkinson's Trust - they'll give you jelly babies and cheer you on as you go past (assuming you don't miss them), and they have a very dedicated bunch of fund raisers, including this completely bonkers lady who is running 2 marathons and an ultra marathon in the space of 6 weeks.

I'm not doing any fund raising myself this year, but if you're feeling generous and would like to donate the money you would have sponsored me for the race I now can't do because of my latest favourite Finnish Metal band, then please consider chucking her a few quid.

Next time: What (not) to eat.