Previously on "How (not) to Train for a Marathon": We established that you should probably have started basic training, like, yesterday; that people in running shops have seen much more hideous toenails than yours; that Rocky didn't know jack about what to put on your feet; and that the MC Hammer look is definitely in this year.
Oh, and we established that this whole thing is not meant to be a serious training suggestion, more an encouragement to anyone that might feel that they're not prepared enough for an upcoming race. Lord knows, I could have done with something like this.
The Marathon Training Plan
"You're In!", screamed the letter which popped onto my doormat in October, kindly leaving out the "(deep doo-doo)" part, which probably wouldn't have helped, if we're honest. The letter and its accompanying magazine sat accusingly on the dining table for the rest of the year, quietly tutting every time I put off another jog, and sniggering at me squeezing into my man tights, trying desperately to get back to 10k fitness by New Year's Day. (Which I did do, so up yours, magazine.)
Upon finally plucking up the courage to open up the magazine on New Year's Day, I discovered that it was mostly comprised of advertisements (for charities and running gear), interspersed with more advertisements masquerading as training advice.
"DOCTOR'S ORDERS: Lucozade Sport will be available during the Marathon in April so make sure you try it in training to see if you like it. It tastes quite different after 20 miles."
So - go and spend your money on this drink, so that you can see if you will like the free samples we will give you during the race. And even if you don't like it, don't worry, because you sure will when we force feed it to you in the dying stages of a race when you'd happily suck on a yak's armpit if you thought it contained a microgram of glucose.
But I digress. There it was, on page 31: The Training Programme. Actually, there are always 3 - Beginner (aka just trying to get you round without you breaking down and weeping on a poor St John's Ambulance man), Intermediate (aka the smug gits who've done this before and are going to whup your arse and patronisingly call out "well done, you're nearly there" as they jog home past you at mile 20), and Advanced (I am assuming this is exactly what Mo followed.)
I thought about this for no seconds, before settling on 'Beginner' and starting to draw out my training plan. Yep, it really helped to visualise just how screwed I was in diagrammatic form, by scribbling months' worth of my life into neat little boxes and marking out which painful and humiliating task I would subject myself to on each date.
I was somewhat astounded to discover that, because I'd been ignoring the smug little bundle of pages for so long, it was already too late (on January 1st) for me to complete the entire training programme. Mistake Number 1. I instead figured that since I could already run for an hour without stopping, I would be fine to jump right into week 3. Probably not the worst call I made along the way, but it did mean that the training plan now ran right up to Marathon day without any leeway. Mistake Number 2.
You might notice, if you enlarge my training plan above, that there are a number of mysterious codes and numbers, a pleasing number of ticks, a few crosses, some smiley faces, one, I dunno, constipated face(?) and even a "YES!!!" (3 exclamation marks, eh?) - so you can probably gather that training was something of a mixed bag. You'll see, though, that most of January and February have been largely completed, and that's where the vast majority of the work and fitness-building went in. It may or may not help you to know that I was working exclusively from home during this period, and so I never had to do any of my short runs in the rain or the dark, I just popped out on my lunchbreak and made up the time later. No, you're right, that didn't help you at all.
Anyway, things fell a little off the rails in the last month, but by (mostly) doing what I was told for 10 weeks up to mid-March, I built a moderate level of fitness which enabled me not to have to crawl on my hands and knees at any point on the big day.
Training largely falls into 3 categories:
A. Long runs - These take place at the weekends. These are the most important part of training for any race, and we'll come to them next time - have a guess as to what they might entail.
B. Short runs - These happen during the week, only twice if you're a n00b like me, and have all kinds of scary names like 'Threshold', 'Fartlek' and 'Kerrang' (ok, maybe not 'Kerrang'). Short runs mostly involve running a bit slower than your intended marathon pace, alternating with bursts of much faster running, and even sometimes sprinting, preferably with your arms flailing all over the place and a look of gay abandon on your face. Well, that's how I did it anyway.
This might explain why I was absolutely rubbish at all the short runs, except for the reassuringly named 'Easy Run', which in my case meant jogging as slowly as I could without going backwards - these are pretty much just designed to get you moving again after the long runs destroy every fibre of your muscle tissue. Enjoy!
Yes, I completely sucked at the short runs, with nearly every short run turning into an 'Easy', or if I was feeling adventurous, a 'Steady' run. If I had to pinpoint one reason why I didn't manage a faster time on the day, this is it - I never conditioned my body to run any faster than my long-run-plod, and every time I tried it just shredded my calves and/or shins - sometimes both, just for good measure.
It's extremely important, before you start, to think about what your target marathon pace is going to be. And I say this because I really didn't give it enough thought. After completing my first unbroken 10k on New Year's Eve in a bit over an hour, in retrospect I don't see why I didn't decide that was my marathon pace and just keep building up from there little by little. At that pace, I could have finished in about 4.5 hours, and I would have been extremely happy with that - as it was, I just looked at the impossible task in front of me, decided that 6 hours was the slowest finishing time I would tolerate, and sort of worked out all my training paces based on that, but mostly also sort of didn't work them out at all. Mistake Number 3, although I have since read that most first time marathoners are far too conservative with their expected finish time, so we're all morons and not just me.
I was also kind of rubbish at:
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C. Core exercises - You know, planks, press-ups, squats, all that excruciating stuff. This is supposed to be done at least once a week, to build up your core stability and prevent yourself from getting injured. I started out doing it twice a week, and then somewhere along the line decided that the time when I wasn't running could be much better used watching 'Storage Wars' and eating pizza.
So this fell by the wayside somewhat, but I did at least keep stretching every couple of days. Yeah, I stretched all those muscles and tendons good and proper, with exercises I'd been given by a physiotherapist two years ago to combat a specific calf problem - and to be fair at least that problem didn't reoccur at all. It might have been an idea to remember that I also had hamstrings and glutes, though. Mistake Number 4.
So, what have we learned here? Apart from that there's no run called "Kerrang"?
I suppose the main point of this whole section is to say that I managed to complete the marathon on the day, with a minimum of walking, by pretty much only ever running at marathon pace during training, and completely neglecting to work on my core. So if you're in your last few weeks of training for a race and you're panicking because your fartleks are all out of whack, and you think abs is just a member of 5ive, take heart - you're determined enough to do it, and you will probably make it around. Just don't expect to spot Mo along the way.
Next time: Pain and Charity (these aren't related - honest.)
Oh, and we established that this whole thing is not meant to be a serious training suggestion, more an encouragement to anyone that might feel that they're not prepared enough for an upcoming race. Lord knows, I could have done with something like this.
The Marathon Training Plan
"You're In!", screamed the letter which popped onto my doormat in October, kindly leaving out the "(deep doo-doo)" part, which probably wouldn't have helped, if we're honest. The letter and its accompanying magazine sat accusingly on the dining table for the rest of the year, quietly tutting every time I put off another jog, and sniggering at me squeezing into my man tights, trying desperately to get back to 10k fitness by New Year's Day. (Which I did do, so up yours, magazine.)
 |
| Marathon News: This just in - you're much less fit than these people. |
Upon finally plucking up the courage to open up the magazine on New Year's Day, I discovered that it was mostly comprised of advertisements (for charities and running gear), interspersed with more advertisements masquerading as training advice.
"DOCTOR'S ORDERS: Lucozade Sport will be available during the Marathon in April so make sure you try it in training to see if you like it. It tastes quite different after 20 miles."
So - go and spend your money on this drink, so that you can see if you will like the free samples we will give you during the race. And even if you don't like it, don't worry, because you sure will when we force feed it to you in the dying stages of a race when you'd happily suck on a yak's armpit if you thought it contained a microgram of glucose.
.jpg) |
| The London Marathon - sponsored by... oh, I see. |
But I digress. There it was, on page 31: The Training Programme. Actually, there are always 3 - Beginner (aka just trying to get you round without you breaking down and weeping on a poor St John's Ambulance man), Intermediate (aka the smug gits who've done this before and are going to whup your arse and patronisingly call out "well done, you're nearly there" as they jog home past you at mile 20), and Advanced (I am assuming this is exactly what Mo followed.)
I thought about this for no seconds, before settling on 'Beginner' and starting to draw out my training plan. Yep, it really helped to visualise just how screwed I was in diagrammatic form, by scribbling months' worth of my life into neat little boxes and marking out which painful and humiliating task I would subject myself to on each date.
I was somewhat astounded to discover that, because I'd been ignoring the smug little bundle of pages for so long, it was already too late (on January 1st) for me to complete the entire training programme. Mistake Number 1. I instead figured that since I could already run for an hour without stopping, I would be fine to jump right into week 3. Probably not the worst call I made along the way, but it did mean that the training plan now ran right up to Marathon day without any leeway. Mistake Number 2.
 |
| My feelings about February 16th are somewhat unclear... |
You might notice, if you enlarge my training plan above, that there are a number of mysterious codes and numbers, a pleasing number of ticks, a few crosses, some smiley faces, one, I dunno, constipated face(?) and even a "YES!!!" (3 exclamation marks, eh?) - so you can probably gather that training was something of a mixed bag. You'll see, though, that most of January and February have been largely completed, and that's where the vast majority of the work and fitness-building went in. It may or may not help you to know that I was working exclusively from home during this period, and so I never had to do any of my short runs in the rain or the dark, I just popped out on my lunchbreak and made up the time later. No, you're right, that didn't help you at all.
Anyway, things fell a little off the rails in the last month, but by (mostly) doing what I was told for 10 weeks up to mid-March, I built a moderate level of fitness which enabled me not to have to crawl on my hands and knees at any point on the big day.
Training largely falls into 3 categories:
A. Long runs - These take place at the weekends. These are the most important part of training for any race, and we'll come to them next time - have a guess as to what they might entail.
B. Short runs - These happen during the week, only twice if you're a n00b like me, and have all kinds of scary names like 'Threshold', 'Fartlek' and 'Kerrang' (ok, maybe not 'Kerrang'). Short runs mostly involve running a bit slower than your intended marathon pace, alternating with bursts of much faster running, and even sometimes sprinting, preferably with your arms flailing all over the place and a look of gay abandon on your face. Well, that's how I did it anyway.
This might explain why I was absolutely rubbish at all the short runs, except for the reassuringly named 'Easy Run', which in my case meant jogging as slowly as I could without going backwards - these are pretty much just designed to get you moving again after the long runs destroy every fibre of your muscle tissue. Enjoy!
Yes, I completely sucked at the short runs, with nearly every short run turning into an 'Easy', or if I was feeling adventurous, a 'Steady' run. If I had to pinpoint one reason why I didn't manage a faster time on the day, this is it - I never conditioned my body to run any faster than my long-run-plod, and every time I tried it just shredded my calves and/or shins - sometimes both, just for good measure.
It's extremely important, before you start, to think about what your target marathon pace is going to be. And I say this because I really didn't give it enough thought. After completing my first unbroken 10k on New Year's Eve in a bit over an hour, in retrospect I don't see why I didn't decide that was my marathon pace and just keep building up from there little by little. At that pace, I could have finished in about 4.5 hours, and I would have been extremely happy with that - as it was, I just looked at the impossible task in front of me, decided that 6 hours was the slowest finishing time I would tolerate, and sort of worked out all my training paces based on that, but mostly also sort of didn't work them out at all. Mistake Number 3, although I have since read that most first time marathoners are far too conservative with their expected finish time, so we're all morons and not just me.
I was also kind of rubbish at:
C. Core exercises - You know, planks, press-ups, squats, all that excruciating stuff. This is supposed to be done at least once a week, to build up your core stability and prevent yourself from getting injured. I started out doing it twice a week, and then somewhere along the line decided that the time when I wasn't running could be much better used watching 'Storage Wars' and eating pizza.
So this fell by the wayside somewhat, but I did at least keep stretching every couple of days. Yeah, I stretched all those muscles and tendons good and proper, with exercises I'd been given by a physiotherapist two years ago to combat a specific calf problem - and to be fair at least that problem didn't reoccur at all. It might have been an idea to remember that I also had hamstrings and glutes, though. Mistake Number 4.
So, what have we learned here? Apart from that there's no run called "Kerrang"?
I suppose the main point of this whole section is to say that I managed to complete the marathon on the day, with a minimum of walking, by pretty much only ever running at marathon pace during training, and completely neglecting to work on my core. So if you're in your last few weeks of training for a race and you're panicking because your fartleks are all out of whack, and you think abs is just a member of 5ive, take heart - you're determined enough to do it, and you will probably make it around. Just don't expect to spot Mo along the way.
Next time: Pain and Charity (these aren't related - honest.)
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